It was the summer of 1978. I was traveling through the Southwest
as a jewelry and giftware salesman, selling a wide range of items
from Austrian crystals to feather earrings. On the way to Los
Angeles from Las Vegas, I stopped to help a motorist whose car
had broken down in the Mojave Desert. He was down on his luck,
had no plans and nowhere to go, so I let him travel with me.
His name was Ray, and he looked to be in his early twenties. He
was small, muscular, wiry, and slightly gaunt, as if underfed.
I felt sorry for him, and in the three days we were together,
I grew to trust him. I even started sending him on errands while
I visited stores to sell my wares. At one point, I gave him some
of my clothes, and it pleased him to have something new to wear.
He seemed calm and mostly satisfied.
The third night, we were camped out near Puddingstone
Reservoir east of Claremont. I was sitting on the floor in the
back of the large van, moving things around in the cupboards to
make more room for the clothes, books, food, sample boxes, and
my passenger’s duffel bag and travel gear.
There was a loud explosion, and I felt a sharp,
searing blow to the top of my head. Had the gas stove exploded?
I looked up, but it was intact. Then I looked at Ray, sitting
in the driver’s seat, and I saw the black gun in his hand.
His arm was resting on the back of the seat, aiming the pistol
at my face. A bullet had hit me! At first, I thought he was warning
me—that he was going to rob me. That suddenly seemed fine.
Take it all, I thought. Take it all. Just leave me outside and
Another explosion shook me, and my ears rang with
a terrible, high-pitched whine. I felt blood dripping down my
face and the top of my head throbbed. He’s not warning me,
I realized. He’s going to kill me. I am going to die.
There was no place to hide. I was stuck in an
uncomfortable position surrounded by cabinets. There was nothing
I could do. I heard myself whisper “Relax. It’s out
of your control. Breathe. Stay awake.” My thoughts turned
to death, and to God. “Thy will, not my will, be done.”
I let my body go, and I started to relax, to slump back. I watched
my breath, in and out, in and out, in and out….
I began preparing for my death. I asked to be
forgiven by anyone I had hurt and offered my forgiveness to everyone
who had hurt me throughout my life. It was a full-color fast-reverse
movie reel of my entire twenty-six years. I thought about my parents,
my brothers and sisters, my lovers, my friends. I said goodbye.
I said, “I love you.”
Another explosion shook the van, and my body pulsed.
I was not hit. The bullet missed me by a fraction of an inch,
penetrating the cupboard I was leaning against. I relaxed back
into my reverie. My luck could not hold out. Three bullets to
go, if it was a revolver. I could only hope that the gun wasn’t
Nothing mattered anymore but to be at peace. My
van, my money, my business, my knowledge, my personal history,
my freedom—all became worthless, meaningless, so much dust
in the wind.
All I had of value was my body and my life, and
that was soon to be gone. My attention was focused on the spark
of light I called my Self, and my consciousness began to expand
outward, extending my awareness in space and time. I heard my
instructions clearly: STAY AWAKE AND KEEP BREATHING.
I prayed to my God, to the Great Spirit, to receive
me with open arms. Love and light flowed through me, spreading
out like a lighthouse beam, illuminating everything around me.
The light grew inside me, and I expanded like a huge balloon until
the van and its contents seemed small. A sense of peace and acceptance
filled me. I knew I was close to leaving my body. I could sense
the timeline of my life, both backward and forward. I saw the
next bullet, a short distance into the future, leave the gun,
jet toward my left temple, and exit with brains and blood on the
right side of my head. I was filled with awe. To see life from
this expanded perspective was like looking down into a dollhouse,
seeing all the rooms at once, all the detail, so real and so unreal
at the same time. I looked into the warm and welcoming golden
light with calm and acceptance.
The fourth explosion shattered the silence, and
my head was pushed violently to the side. The ringing in my ears
was deafening. Warm blood rushed down my head and onto my arms
and thighs, dripping onto the floor. But strangely, I found myself
back in my body, not out of it. Still surrounded by light, love,
and peace, I began looking inside my skull, trying to find the
holes. Perhaps I could see light through them? I did a quick check
of my feelings, abilities, thoughts, and sensations, looking for
what might be missing. Surely the bullet had affected me. My head
was throbbing, but I felt strangely normal.
I decided to look at my assassin, to look death
in the face. I picked up my head and turned my eyes toward him.
He was shocked. Jumping up from his seat, he shouted, “Why
aren’t you dead, man? You’re supposed to be dead!”
“Here I am.” I said quietly.
“That’s too weird! It’s just
like my dream this morning! I kept shooting at him, but he wouldn’t
die! But it wasn’t you in the dream, it was somebody else!”
This was very strange. Who was writing this script?
I wondered. I began to speak slowly and calmly, trying to settle
him down. If I could get him talking, I thought, maybe he wouldn’t
shoot again. He kept yelling, “Shut up! Just shut up!”
as he peered out the windows into the darkness. He nervously walked
closer to me, gun in hand, examining my bloody head, trying to
understand why the four bullets he had pumped into me hadn’t
finished me off.
I could still feel blood oozing down my face and
could hear it dripping onto my shoulder. Ray said, “I don’t
know why you aren’t dead, man. I shot you four times!”
“Maybe I’m not supposed to die,”
I said calmly.
“Yeah, but I shot you!” he said, with
disappointment and confusion in his voice. “I don’t
know what to do.”
“What do you want to do?” I asked.
“I wanted to kill you, man, to take this
van and drive away. Now I don’t know.” He seemed worried,
uncertain. He was beginning to slow down, becoming less jumpy.
“Why did you want to kill me?”
“Because you had everything, and I had nothing.
And I was tired of having nothing. This was my chance to have
it all.” He was still pacing back and forth in the van,
looking out the windows at the black night outside.
”What do you want to do now?” I asked.
“I don’t know, man,” he complained.
“Maybe I should take you to the hospital.”
My heart leapt at this chance, this opportunity—a
way out. “Okay,” I said, not wanting to make him feel
out of control. I wanted it to be his idea, not mine. I knew that
his anger sprang from feeling out of control, and I didn’t
want to make him feel angry.
“Why were you so nice to me, man?”
“Because you’re a person, Ray.”
“But I wanted to kill you! I kept taking
out my gun and pointing it at you, when you were asleep or not
looking. But you were being so nice to me, I couldn’t do
My time sense was altered. I realized that I had
no idea how long it had been since the first bullet. After what
felt like many minutes, Ray came up to me, still in my crouched,
locked-in position, and said, “Okay, man, I’m going
to take you to a hospital. But I don’t want you to move,
so I’m going to put some stuff on you so you can’t
Now he was asking my permission. “Okay,”
I said softly. He began taking various boxes filled with samples
and stacked them around me. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m okay. A little uncomfortable,
but it’s all right.”
“All right, man. I’m going to take
you to a hospital I know of. Now don’t move. And don’t
die on me, okay?”
“Okay,” I promised. I knew I wouldn’t
die. This light, this power inside me was so strong, so certain.
Each breath felt like my first, not my last. I was going to survive.
I knew it. Ray lowered the pop-top of the van, secured the straps,
and started up the engine. I could feel the van backing up on
the dirt road, finding the pavement and moving forward to my freedom.
He drove on and on—to where, I had no idea.
Were we bound for a hospital, as he said, or toward some horrible
fate? If he was capable of killing me with a gun, he was capable
of lying, or worse. How did he know where to go? We were in Claremont.
Los Angeles was over an hour away. I used that hour to re-play
the scenes and analyze the past three days, trying to understand
what had happened, and why.
Eventually, I felt the van slow, pull over and
stop. The engine was turned off. Silence filled the space. I waited.
It was still dark outside. We had not pulled into a driveway.
There were no lights. This was not a hospital.
Ray walked back toward me with his gun in his hand. He pulled
away one of the boxes and sat down on the foam bed, facing me.
He looked distraught, head hanging down. His words cut deep through
my cloud of hope. “I have to kill you, man,” he said
“Why?” I asked quietly.
“If I take you to the hospital, they’ll
put me back in jail. I can’t go back to jail, man. I can’t.”
“They wouldn’t put you in jail if
you take me to the hospital,” I said slowly, still feigning
injury, passivity. I knew that I might find an opening, a moment
when I could surprise him, overpower him, take away his gun. As
long as he didn’t know I was okay, I had an advantage.
“Oh yes they would, man. They’d know
I shot you, and they’d lock me up.”
“We don’t have to tell them. I won’t
“I can’t trust you, man. I wish I
could, but I can’t. I can’t go back to jail, that’s
all. I have to kill you.” He seemed forlorn. This was not
where he wanted to be. He wasn’t making any moves. His gun
hung limply from his hand, pointed down toward the floor. The
boxes were still stacked around me. I couldn’t judge how
much strength I had, whether it would be enough to push out and
wrestle him down. He was small but strong. Was he still full of
adrenaline? That would make him even stronger. My strength lay
in words, in verbal swordplay. If I could keep him talking, he
wouldn’t take stronger action.
“Maybe I could go into the hospital alone,
Ray. You wouldn’t even have to be there. You could get away.”
“No, man,” he said, shaking his head.
“As soon as you told them, they’d come find me. They’d
track me down.”
I was silent. That didn’t work, I thought.
He said, “Why aren’t you dead, man?
I shot you four times in the head. How come you’re still
alive and talking? You should be dead! I know I didn’t miss.”
He looked again at my head, taking it in one hand and turning
it to the left and right. “Does it hurt?” he asked.
He seemed genuinely concerned.
“Yeah, it hurts,” I lied. “But
I think I’m going to be okay.”
“Well, I don’t know what to do. I
can’t take you to the hospital. I can’t just let you
go, because you’ll go to the police. Why were you so damn
nice to me, man? No one’s ever been that nice to me before.
It made it harder to kill you. You kept buying me stuff, and giving
me stuff. I just couldn’t decide when to do it.”
Not if, but when.
“What would you do with all this stuff if
you had it, Ray?” I asked.
“I could go home and be somebody, I could
do stuff. I’d have enough money to buy my way out of there,
man.” Ray began to talk. He talked about his home in East
Los Angeles, the poverty around him, his anger, the schoolteachers
who made him feel stupid, his father who drank too much and beat
him, and being tough on the streets. He talked about joining the
army, how that was supposed to make it work, but he couldn’t
stand being told what to do all the time, so he went AWOL. He
talked about dealing drugs, and drug deals going bad, and how
he ripped off his dealer buddies. That’s why he had to leave
L.A., because they were looking for him. He talked about stealing
his father’s gun and money before he left, then he realized
there was no place to hide, so he decided to turn back. Maybe
he could do one more rip-off and get rich. He just needed one
hit, one sucker. If his target was rich enough, he could pay off
the dealers and start over. So he decided to kill whoever stopped.
Whoever came by to help him. Me.
The night had turned to morning, the sky shifting
slowly from indigo to blue. The sound of chirping birds made me
grateful to be alive.
“I’m pretty stiff and sore, Ray, I’d
feel better if I could get up and stretch.” I was still
in the same position I had been in for six hours. Dried blood
was plastered to my hair and face, my shins hurt from being pushed
against the edge of a cupboard door, and my back was stiff and
“Okay, man, I’m going to let you up,
but don’t do anything stupid, okay?”
“Okay, Ray. You just tell me what to do
and I’ll do it.”
Remind him that he is in control. Don’t
let him feel out of control. Look for an opening.
He moved the boxes from around me, stepped back
with the gun in his hand, and opened the door. I crawled slowly
out of the van, stretching upright for the first time. How beautiful
the world was to my new eyes. Everything shone as if made of sparkling
We had stopped on a residential street near a
small pond at the bottom of an embankment. He gestured down the
dirt trail that led to the water. As I walked down the steep incline
I thought, “Is this death again, tapping on my shoulder?
Will he shoot me in the back and push me into the water?”
I felt weak and vulnerable, yet simultaneously immortal and impervious
to his bullets. I walked erect and unafraid. He followed me to
the water’s edge and stood by as I squatted down and rinsed
my bloodied hands and face, splashing cool, fresh water on myself.
I stood up slowly and faced Ray. He looked at me curiously.
“What would you do if I handed you this
gun right now?” he asked, holding the gun out to me.
My answer was my first thought: “I’d
throw it out into the water,” I said.
“Aren’t you mad at me, man?”
he asked. He seemed incredulous.
“No, why should I be mad?”
“I shot you, man, you ought to be angry!
I’d be fucking furious! You wouldn’t want to kill
me if I gave you this gun?”
“No, Ray, I wouldn’t. Why should I?
I have my life and you have yours.”
“I don’t understand you, man. You
are really weird, really different than anyone I’ve ever
met before. And I don’t know why you didn’t die when
I shot you.” Silence. Better left unanswered. As we stood
at the water’s edge, I realized that Ray had undergone as
profound a transformation as I had. We were both different people
than we had been the day before.
“What should we do now, Ray?”
“I don’t know, man. I can’t
take you to the hospital. I can’t let you go. I don’t
know what to do.”
So we continued our talk, seeking a solution to
his dilemma. We explored the possibilities—what could we
agree to? I made suggestions, he told me why they wouldn’t
work. I made other suggestions. He listened, considered, rejected,
and relented. We sought a compromise.
Ultimately, we found a bargain we could agree
to: I would let him go, and he would let me go. I promised not
to turn him in or report him to the police, but on one condition—he
had to promise that he would never do anything like this again.
He promised. What choice did he have?
As the sun was rising over the hills, we climbed
back into the van. I sat in the passenger seat as he drove to
a place that he knew. He parked, and I gave him all the cash I
had, about $200, and a couple of watches I thought he could pawn.
We walked together across the street. The sun was shining. It
was early in the day but already warm. He had his army jacket
and sleeping bag under one arm, his duffel bag slung over his
shoulder. Somewhere in the bundle there was a black gun.
We shook hands. I smiled at him, and he continued
to look confused. Then I said goodbye and walked away.
In the emergency room of L.A. County Hospital,
a doctor scraped away small bits of metal, skin and hair, and
sewed stitches into my scalp. He asked me how it had happened,
and I told him, “I was shot, four times.”
“You’re a lucky man,” he said.
“The two bullets that hit you both glanced off your skull.
You have to report this to the police, you know.”
“Yes, I know,” I said.
I knew that I was lucky, but more than lucky –
I felt blessed. I didn’t go to the police. I had made a
promise and had received a promise in return.
I kept my promise. I believe that Ray kept his.
About the Author
Lion Goodman is a successful entrepreneur, author, teacher, and
workshop leader. He teaches workshops in cities around the world,
including Everyday Awakening,? a three-day intensive with practical
techniques for waking up into your natural joy, and Manifestation
Through the Chakras, a five-day training for turning your dreams
into reality. This he teaches with his partner, author Anodea
Judith. He is also a licensed teacher of the internationally acclaimed
self-development program, The Avatar© Course. He is a professional
coach to business executives and individuals who seek to live
a life of integrity, success, and balance.
This story was first published in the book, I
Thought My Father Was God…and Other True Tales from NPR’s
National Story Project, edited by Paul Auster (Henry Holt, October
2001), and is the basis for the short feature film, “The
Kindness of Strangers,” directed by Claudia Myers, which
won “Best Film” at the Rosebud Film Festival. It debuted
at the Hollywood Film Festival in 2004.
Lion’s article, “Dorothy and the Very
Bad Awful Disowned Feelings,” was published in the book
The Heart of Healing, co-authored by Deepak Chopra, Joan Borysenko,
Dean Ornish, and other luminaries (Elite Books, July 2004). He
welcomes feedback and comments. Email him at Lion@EverydayAwakening.com.
Visit his website to learn more: www.EverydayAwakening.com.
© 2005 by Lion Goodman. All rights reserved.
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